Its been more than a year but some shades of past haunt her like dark shadows creeping out of no where in the day and painting her dreams black in the night.
Fighting with her shadows she tried deleting all traces of him from her life- burning all the physical possessions they shared ,banishing him from all their virtual connections,trying new haircuts, new hobbies-all Must do lists cracked. Those days she thought she was doing great as she would sit idly by her window,smiling and looking at the busy bird building her nest, the sun setting and life returning to her.This calmness prevailed till a nostalgic song would play in the background and her heart would stop for a moment , leaving her surprised on how a certain memory still can kill her, all over again.Those days she could see him everywhere, everyone looked somewhat like him.
This scared her to death. Is giving up all for love an unpardonable sin?
These days she tries her best to embrace life past him. As if he isn’t standing in the way,like he never existed. On some un-fateful days, their paths cross,their eyes meet and he sees a lifeless pair of lens staring back at him filled with no emotion-no love,no anger , no guilt, nothing at all.
Its like he murdered a part of her the summer they fell for each other. He walked away but could never wash his hands off the blood. Some parts of her still cry for him, some parts of her still hope for his eyes staring back with the same love. This was her fear museum.
She knows she is grasping for thin air still her soul craves him,his touch, his laugh,his innocence and his betrayal.
Those pitch dark nights when even the moon leaves her , she feels pangs of physical pain -as if some bottomless pit is swiveling inside her stomach. She curls up in the foetus position crying with all her might,cries that could even melt stones. As she stands up tired,feeling the saltiness sticking on her face, she finds her way to the mirror. Her eyes pain,just as she gathers courage to accept the reality a surprise expression crosses her face. In one determined moment looking at her lost self she realizes that this vicious drink of obsession needs to end-she needs her drug.This restlessness, this anxiety makes her heart pace like a birds’s.Nothing falls in place. She looks around confused,not able to recognize a single object around her. She needs to taste the drug. Her body reacts.She moves her legs and hands furiously like someone drowning in deep-dark waters. She wants him, she wants him badly. As helplessness overtakes her, she kicks the mirror and it shatters mercilessly over her. She is wounded, she doesn’t feel any pain. She searches frantically for any trace of him, kneeling down, crawling among the shattered glass she cannot find him. She deleted all traces of him, she still needs him.She is breathing heavily looking around for nothing till she finds an old diary . A hope fills her,”Fall in love with a writer and you’ll never die” she used to remind him . With her sticky ,smeared with blood fingers she searches through the writings till she stops over a name. The name in print revives some part of her. She moves her back upright to a wall. The atmosphere of the room has changed, its like a veil has been lifted. She breathes slowly now, things are making sense now as she revisits the past in print. Something at last. She reads like an alchemist trying to find the cure for a deadly fit that has occurred upon a loved one.
She starts to feel like some broken piece has clicked back into its place, more tears roll out. She is ashamed of herself as she finishes reading the pieces. She stooped so low. She let herself be ridiculed over something as pious as love. She let a rising star be pitied upon by a fallen star. She lost herself in him, she did not stand for self .It was an unpardonable sin.She thinks she heard his laugh again, she looks up-the dark shadows have gathered around her again,her eyes turn stone as another trace of drug gets injected in her.